Polygamy still remains one of the most controversial forms of relationships, owing to how it has been conceived, believed, and practised from one family to another.

Contrary to what many of us were taught in social studies back then, polygamy is not limited to a man marrying more than one wife.

Polygamy is a broad term that encompasses polyandry, where a woman marries more than one husband, group marriage, sometimes referred to as ‘conjoint marriage”, in which two or more adults are legally married to one another, forming a single family unit that may include multiple husbands and multiple wives, and polygyny where one man marries more than one wife.

The most common form of polygamy in Nigeria is polygyny, a system where a man marries more than one wife, and that is what this piece will focus on.

Polygyny is common in Nigeria, with about 28 percent of households practising it, ranking the country among the highest in Africa. The practice is particularly common in the northern region, with Kebbi State recording approximately 27.3 percent and Kaduna State close behind at 27.2 percent. Approximately 30 percent – 50 percent of ever-married women in Northern Nigeria are in polygynous unions.

As was practised in ancient times, polygyny was based on cooperation, and shared responsibilities as everyone was living happily under the same roof.

In the days of our forefathers, polygyny was more than a tolerated practice, it was a well-defined social institution, that followed a clear structure, guided by established roles and expectations that most people understood and embraced.

During that era, a man’s wealth was often measured not just by his land and livestock, but also by the size of his family.

Then, wives understood their roles, boundaries were set, and seniority was upheld. A first wife was not just a mother to all, but more of a stabilizing force in the family; if she was emotionally intelligent enough, she was even the one to choose the next wife. Though rivalry existed, but it rarely spiraled into dysfunction.

Their coexistence was often built on necessity, communal living, and shared burdens, where having more hands meant greater wealth and survival.

From a religious point of view, Islam also supports marrying more than one wife, subject to certain conditions of fairness and equity that it clearly prescribes.

“If you fear you might fail to give orphan women their ˹due˺ rights ˹if you were to marry them˺, then marry other women of your choice—two, three, or four. But if you are afraid you will fail to maintain justice, then ˹content yourselves with˺ one or those ˹bondwomen˺ in your possession. This way you are less likely to commit injustice.” (Q4:3).

While secular law adheres to monogamy, reality increasingly shifts toward multiplicity. A popular school of thought, although not backed by any data, believes that females outnumber males on Earth, and polygyny should thus be embraced to reduce the population of unmarried women. While this argument is appealing, it may fail the test of deeper intellection.

How modern day Polygyny works

Polygyny as is practised today, carries a very different meaning. It is no longer driven by communal necessity as it was in the past, but is often shaped by secrecy, pride, ego, or the search for emotional balance.

In the past, many of our mothers accepted polygyny because they had little choice, today, many modern women resist it because they have alternatives and greater independence.

Our fore-mothers tolerated co-wives because their reality had no room for individualism or escape but modern women, armed with education, financial independence, and feminism, loathe the idea.

A young lady in her late twenties identified simply as Bukola stated that she cannot engage in polygynous relationship because she does not want her spouse to be shared, more so the fear of sexually transmitted disease in the family is also making her dislike polygamy.

What once was an institution of structure has now become a source of rivalry. Another young lady, Boluwatife Ajayi, also kicked against polygyny, adding that she prefers to enjoy her husband all alone. She further stressed that she values her emotional security and wants full attention from her husband.

Today’s polygynous homes are increasingly defined by quiet divides, passive aggression, online cold wars, and unspoken competition that surfaces in indirect social media exchanges. We find echoes of this in silent rooms.

In the old days, co-wives shared a compound, but today, husbands are shared in silence and suspicion. For many women, polygyny portrays unequal power, emotional overload, and unhealthy comparison.

Also the Urban and city lifestyle does not accommodate the communal living model that once made polygyny manageable.

One of my respondents, Sheriff Ajadi, hinted that he did not see anything bad in polygyny, saying wives misbehave when they do not have competitors. He then stated that the fear of loneliness during old age also makes polygyny attractive to him.

Polygyny may have endured through the centuries, but it has not remained the same. What our fore-mothers bore with quiet dignity, many women nowadays confront with silent resentment or decisive departures. The compound that once resonated with shared laughter and communal bonds is now marked by unspoken tensions and unseen heartbreaks.

Polygyny is also seen in some schools of thought as a way to address infidelity, allowing men to marry multiple wives, instead of philandering.

Be it polygyny, polyandry, group marriage or even monogamy, a person’s decision is often shaped by the realities they can see, feel, and experience firsthand.